7 items you didn’t know you could save on after Valentine’s Day

0

On February 15, thrifty shoppers will rush to drug stores to buy discounted Valentine’s Day candy. But did you know you can get all of the following items at a drastically reduced price?

1. Barbershop Quartets

7 items you didn't know you could save on after Valentine's Day

These musical foursomes are costly on the 14th, hired to serenade sweethearts with acapella renditions of romantic songs, but their rates plummet on the 15th. While singing is their specialty, they can be put to work around the house, out in the garden, you can even ask them to form an intramural basketball team with you. You paid for their time and they legally have to do whatever you say!


2. Swans

7 items you didn't know you could save on after Valentine's Day

Seen as an icon for romantic love, many pet stores will stock up on swans to satisfy the demand of suitors eager to impress their partners. Most places will have a few swans left that they’ll be anxious to unload at any price. Even if you’re not looking for a pet, pick one up to wow friends and family at the next dinner party with a traditional roast swan dish. Just like mom used to make!

Pro tip: Don’t let the feather’s go to waste! Use them to make your own down pillows for extra savings!


3. Horses and Buggies

7 items you didn't know you could save on after Valentine's Day

Many couples just looking to rent a horse-drawn carriage for an idyllic ride through the park will get upsold by a crafty coachman into buying the entire thing. The next day when buyer’s remorse sets in they’ll want to sell it fast, and for a fraction of what they paid! If you’re vigilant in the craigslist Farm & Garden section, you can capitalize on their caprice. If you start leading your own carriage rides, it will pay for itself. Guess who’s up two horses and one buggy for free? You are.

Pro tip: Need help taking care of your new horses? Sounds like the perfect job for your barbershop quartet.


4. Valentine’s Day For Dummies

7 items you didn't know you could save on after Valentine's Day

Any copies of this holiday tutorial, which contains information on the history, cultural customs, and international influence of Valentine’s day, still on the shelves in late February will be marked down significantly. This year they’ve even included a whole chapter on Claudius the Cruel, the Roman emperor who sentenced St. Valentine to his execution by beheading. Talk about being head over heels for someone!


5. Pablo Neruda Impersonators

7 items you didn't know you could save on after Valentine's Day

Restaraunts, hotels, and other businesses frequented on Valentine’s Day will often hire men to take on the character of famous Chilean Poet to delight couples with his erotically charged odes. Outside of this you can add him to your barbeshop quartet and you’ve got yourself a six man team for ice hockey, volleyball…you name it! In this economy, you can’t afford not to play beach volleyball with a barbershop quartet and an actor who has an extensive knowledge of Latin American literature. That’s just smart budgeting!


6. Tickets to Moon Viewing Locations

7 items you didn't know you could save on after Valentine's Day

We’ve all spent a Valentine’s Day alone at one point or another, and have wanted nothing more than to go stare up at the moon, aching, hoping, knowing that our ex lovers were staring at the same moon and thinking of us. The only problem is tickets to all the best places from which to gaze wistfully to the heavens are so expensive! Obviously the best rooftops, cliffs, balconies and rolling, wide-open fields where your silhouette becomes just another speck on the horizon where the infinite blanket of the night sky joins with the forest, will be booked for the 14th, but after that they’ll be scrambling to sell tickets. Cheap ones too!

Pro tip: Go for a daytime viewing at any of these places and it’ll be practically free!

Pro Pro tip: Tell the person at the box office you will be looking to the Titan moon of Saturn as opposed to our mainstream Earth moon. They’ll be so impressed by your knowledge as well as your unrestricted creativity that they’ll pay you. Cha-ching!


7. Simply Streisand

7 items you didn't know you could save on after Valentine's Day

The Barbara Streisand album with her rendition of the Ella Fitzgerald classic, “My Funny Valentine,” is pretty inexpensive year-round.

Pro tip: If any of your friends own the CD, you could take it and they wouldn’t notice; or if they did they wouldn’t really care.


© Absrd Comedy, LLC – a parody site for entertainment purposes only. Laugh. Enjoy! Individual opinions expressed are those of the individual authors, not necessarily of absrdComedy, and may not even be those of the individual authors.

Comments are closed.