Valentine’s Day can be a very stressful time of the year. It requires a lot of planning. You have to find the perfect gift, the perfect card and the perfect shape to groom your body hair. You finally made reservations to that popular and romantic restaurant in town. The warm glow of candles fill up your significant others face as they smile back at you from across the table. Everything is perfect in this moment! Suddenly, you notice Kanye West approaching your table from a distance. What do you do? Here are some tips to make sure you’re not interrupted by Yeezus.
Pawn Him Off On To The Next Table
I know this sounds selfish, but it’s like “Game of Thrones,” you win or you die. When Kanye approaches your table, quickly point to the other table and say something like, “That couple over there said your fashion game is whack.” Kanye takes his fashion very seriously, and you can watch him go from zero to FourFiveSeconds from wildin’.
Just like the Tyrannosaurus Rex in “Jurassic Park,” Kanye senses movement. Be careful. He will try anything to get you to move, from throwing cameras on the ground to auto-tuned screeches.
Use A Mirror
Nobody loves Kanye more than Kanye. If he runs up on your table, all you need to do is hold up a mirror. His reflection will keep him distracted for hours. Try using a full body mirror.
Don’t Mention Beyoncé
There are plenty of subjects to converse about with your significant other, but there is one subject that you should never mention, Beyoncé. Even typing the word right now, I had to look over my shoulder to make sure I was safe. Kanye protects Bey’ like a brother protecting his sister at a public park. Don’t even utter her name at all…EVER. But if you have to, make sure you…
Mention That Beyoncé Is The Greatest Of All Time
Sometimes the topic of music will come up in conversation. Before you even start, make sure you mention that Beyoncé is the best of all time. This will defuse any Kanye problems right away. In fact for safe measures, no matter what you converse about, make sure you state that Beyoncé is Queen Bee. It could be anything, from best hockey player to fastest man in the world, the answer should always be Beyoncé.
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