Scientists May Study Bill Belichick to Map Out Paleolithic Bridge


For years, human beings have tirelessly sought to unearth data that will help answer the most often asked question known to mankind…where do we come from? I’m not talking about the Big Bang Theory and, no, I don’t think we’re some lab experiment being studied by an extraterrestrial colony located in the Norma Arm of the Milky Way. I’m talking about us…modern people. When did we become the creatures we are today and how much more will we evolve?

Hundreds of thousands of man-hours and millions of dollars are spent every year as brainiacs blanket the globe with their magnifying glasses and bone brushes hoping to dig up a tooth, a weapon, a petrified dropping, anything that will give us some closure. The truth is, the answer might be right in our own backyard…literally. Well, that is, if you live near Gillette Stadium in Foxborough, Massachusetts.

A new federal grant has been requested that, if approved, would give scientists the necessary funds to observe the behavior, language, and (if attainable) the DNA of New England Patriot’s coach, Bill Belichick to see if he is what’s commonly referred to as “the missing link”.

“In no way, shape, or form is this meant to imply that Coach Belichick is a caveman. Quite the opposite, in fact,” says Dr. Barry Meinhart, head of the Anthropology Department at Brimley Community College in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. He feels that “Coach” has the potential to simultaneously expose an intriguing tie to the past and an optimistic glimpse into the future.

“If you watch ‘Coach’ lumber up and down the sidelines during a game, it becomes acutely obvious that he possesses skeletal differences that are unlike most human beings we see today. Like the prehistoric men who used to hunt wooly mammoths during the Ice Age, we see he has a much sturdier frame that allows him to walk long distances with ease, take part in tackling drills during practice, and wear less clothing during cold games.” Dr. Meinhart thinks “Coach’s” ability to fend off inclement weather is at least partially due to an abnormally thick epidermal layer and a higher hair follicle per square inch count (hfpsi) than your run-of-the-mill homo sapiens.

“Ironically, though, he also shows an intelligence level that most people would agree, exceeds that of over 99% of the population. His ability to schematically dissect opposing teams’ strategies with such detailed accuracy makes the mathematical scribbling of John Forbes Nash Jr. (A Beautiful Mind) look like an 8-year-old’s attempt at drawing Georgia O’Keefe’s vagina. It’s uncanny…and groundbreaking.”

Dr. Meinhart says he’s making another trip to Washington D.C. in the next month with the hope of expediting his request for federal money. “I’d love to be given the green light by the time training camp rolls around next summer. The sooner I can get going on this, the sooner we’ll know more about where we’ve been and where we’re headed as a species.”

While this writer certainly understands the desire and drive to obtain such information, I think it should be approached with caution. My grandfather always used to say, “Beware the Neanderthal with a vocabulary.” Convicted felon or not, he always made sense.

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