Poll Finds Most Current Online Career Advice Will Get You Amazing Job In 1995

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Most advice found on today’s career websites became irrelevant sometime around 1995, says the results of a recent poll conducted by the Phew! Research Institute.

Five hundred job seekers, hiring managers and human resources professionals were asked whether the advice found on websites such as LinkedIn, Monster, About.com and the Ask A Manager blog was relevant and helpful. An astonishing majority agreed that these resources were great – for people who were addicted to Seinfeld and used flip phones.

A few provided more detailed information about the real state of the job market in 2015.

“We like to pretend what we’re talking about, but really, we just end up making hiring decisions based on whims,” said Lorrey Peadarson, hiring manager at Jobco, Inc. “For most positions that I hire for, I usually just pick six candidates, number them and throw a dice. Interestingly enough, I usually end up with number two.”

“Oh, yeah, I never call back the other five candidates, even if they’ve interviewed with me multiple times,” she added. “I’m just too busy researching dates on Tinder, you know?”

Paul Smaszjasz, a human resources coordinator at CareerFart, concurred that he was too busy perfecting his online dating profile to bother calling back job candidates, but took Lorrey’s comments one step further.

“We don’t call back anyone who applies for jobs,” he said. “My role at my company is mostly to pretend to the public we’re hiring, but the jobs we post either don’t exist or are given to someone who already works here.”

Paul offered his thoughts on why this outdated advice persisted despite the job market’s considerable change over the past 20 years:

“Calling people ‘job hoppers’ even though people leave most jobs because they pay garbage wages and want someone to do the work of three people, writing articles like ‘you’re doing it wrong during job interviews’ even though job seekers are at the mercy of arbitrary whims of people like me, and complaining about a ‘skills gap’ that doesn’t actually exist are pretty much the last moves we have to keep people from finding out that the whole system is rigged.”

“If they knew the truth – that we have the money and resources to hire people but we’ve manipulated the fear and ignorance of the general public to suit our ends and keep people struggling, we’d be in biiiig trouble,” he added.

Though this paints a bleak picture for job candidates, all hope is not lost. Many are swiftly adapting to the new landscape and fighting back as best they can.

“Yesterday, I noticed a job I was rejected from three months ago because the company ‘went in a different direction’ was open again, so I submitted a resume!” said Karen King, an out of work copywriter. I think they’ll love talking to Amanda Rubbintug about her skills as a master flautist and proficiency at producing lip crud.”


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