According to His press secretary, Gabriel, the next TED Talk installment will be performed by the Creator of the Universe himself. “God, affectionately known as The Big One, thinks the time has come for him to join the world of TED Talks, which he technically created.”
Annoyed by recent human troublemaking, God has declared His intention to “set things straight, which I should have done in the first place. Shouldn’t have invented tequila on the 7th day.”
The TED Talk, scheduled for Madison Square Garden, is tentatively titled, “How to F#*#(@* Get Along.” Audio for the speech will be delivered by an inanimate block of Colby Jack cheese (“God’s favorite avatar,” Gabriel clarified). God’s TED Talk was originally planned for 2009, but God reportedly could not figure out Windows Vista Powerpoint, “The slide transitions were a bit too gaudy for His taste,” Gabriel explained, “And He has never mastered the right click.”
Additionally, to compose the speech, God was “forced to read the human news.” Daily “Fox & Friends” viewings made God so existentially depressed that “He nearly blotted out the sun and crashed Jupiter into Earth.” But a cute “EBaums World” video of a little girl singing Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zero’s “Home” convinced God to keep the Earth’s core spinning.
Until recently, God planned to use a human as a proxy to deliver His speech but “He could not find any decent AND good looking humans.” God briefly went back to the drawing board designing a new species before settling on the block of Colby Jack.
At times, God was overcome with writer’s block and opined why he crafted such a ghastly device. One particularly severe case of writer’s block culminated in the Syrian Civil War and the escalation of Obama’s drone strike program.
Last April, God nearly quit writing, but Gabriel and the other angels urged Him forward with comfort food whenever He grew ornery. “The big secret is simple. It’s grapes,” Gabriel added. “Most floods and famines are just the result of an inexperienced angel page not knowing God NEEDED grapes.”
After seven months of writing, God presented His draft to TED Talk director Alex Hoffman. “We are so proud of our little deity,” Gabriel glowed. “He went through a trying time during the Reformation, and those two 20th century temper tantrums were ghastly. But he pulled through and now He’s ready to show His world what He really thinks.”
Director Hoffman forced The Supreme Creator to excise a few portions of his preliminary script, most notably a passage entitled, “How to F#*$ Real Good.” Hoffman noted, “The directors and I were puzzled by some of the amateurish sections of the speech, but then we remembered this is the same “guy” who invented farts.”
Speaking through the inanimate Colby Jack cheese block, God gave our newspaper a sneak preview of His speech’s introduction: “What’s up f#($*#@? Its not offensive when I say that. Why are you killing each other? I gave you oral sex so you would be too distracted for fighting.”
Tickets for “How to F#*#(@* Get Along” are now on sale through Ticketmaster, and God has agreed to waive the convenience fee. The opening act for God’s performance will be the prophet Nehemiah who recently released his third folk-pop album “Here Come the Profits.” All proceeds from the TED Talk will go toward building another Tower of Babel.
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