Stetson Presents: Ask a Redneck 13


Well slap me silly and call me Sally, it’s week 13 of Ask A Redneck! I’m humbled and honored that y’all keep coming back. It’s good crapper readin, ain’t it? That’s where most of it’s written, anyway.

Ok, hypothetical question: What if tomorrow the president came on television and said that if you live in the south you were being considered ‘Rural Americans?’-Tom P., St. Paul, MN.

I ain’t big on hypothetical questions, but this one caught my attention. If the president came on television tomorrow I don’t know a single soul in the south who would even watch it first of all. Secondly, we could give a damn what someone wants to call us. I live in a town of about 20,000 people, if that’s considered rural then what is the town of 700 that I lived in during high school called? What if I drove to St. Paul and punched you in the solar plexus? There’s a hypothetical question for ya, Tom.

What do rednecks eat for breakfast? I enjoy a cup of hot tea and a grapefruit or tangerine.-Vivian L., San Bernardino, CA.

Well, thanks for making me feel like shit. If I have time to eat breakfast I myself enjoy over easy eggs, bacon (screw you cholesterol), sausage or ham, hash browns with a cup of java and toast. Not near as healthy as a fruity ass California breakfast but hey, you’re gonna die of skin cancer before I have a heart attack anyways. Watch those UVA and UVB rays Viv.

Which business in the oil field makes the most money per year?-Patrick S., Seattle, WA.

Well, your question can be interpreted several ways. Who makes the most money? Oil companies. What service makes the most money? Most likely drilling. The average rig drilling a horizontal well charges upwards of $40-50,000 a day. What type of hand makes the most money? Consultants. $1000+ for a 12 hour day, plus expenses and fuel charges. The oil field average yearly salary for guys like me is $70-120,000 a year. Not as much as some but nothing to scoff at either. Come on out my way I’ll teach you how to beat up 1502 and all about makin fluid motors spin.

Tweet your questions or send them to my email: @StetsonAshpaugh and

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