TOKYO, JAPAN – Nearly four years after the earthquake and tsunami that caused Japan’s Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant to explode, tests show the nuclear plant is still leaking Kool-Aid. Despite massive efforts by the country to control and contain it, drip by drip, hundreds of gallons of concentrated cherry Kool-Aid continue to leak from the plant and into the Pacific Ocean.
Plant Manager, Hiroma Nagao, insists he and his staff are doing everything possible to control and stop the mouthwatering juice from leaking into the ocean. “We are now using 147 different ways to control the leak,” he said. “But the flavor-filled, artificially-colored liquid continues to escape capture. We will continue to look for new ways to prevent this sweet red nectar from reaching the ocean, for as long as the reactors continue to leak [the Kool-Aid], we will continue to spar.”
Since the earthquake and tsunami in March 2011, more than one million tons of cherry Kool-Aid have entered the Pacific, causing it to turn a pinkish color and fish and ocean life to experience massive “sugar highs.”
Attempts to contain and stop the delicious beverage from falling into the ocean have been met with multiple accidents causing the ocean’s sugar concentration to exceed the legal limit by more than one trillion times. The most recent accident prompted Japanese Prime Minister, Shinzo Abe, to pledge millions of dollars toward building a massive animatronic pitcher of ice to contain the Kool-Aid and a horde of hyper-absorptive polymer people to absorb it. Said Prime Minister Abe, “It is with great dishonor that I must report we have not yet proven to stop this sugared potable from spreading into the ocean and delighting the fish with unnatural flavor sensations. I vow to put an end to this leak even if I must personally consume many gallons of the good-tasting liquid myself and endure seppuku [Japanese honor death].”
As of press date, thousands of Japanese citizens have traveled to the leak site with massive crazy straws to assist their country in containing the liquid runoff by offering to drink the Kool-Aid.
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