N-H-L Spells Mumps


In the wake of their recent mumps outbreak, the NHL decided to send out a league-wide memo educating all players and staff on mumps prevention. The virus has already affected more than 20 players across the league, and league commissioner, Gary Bettman, is attempting to put a protocol in place so the outbreak doesn’t get out of hand.

While the document has not yet been released to the public, it is not difficult to deduce what recommendations the league might make to prevent an outbreak of a virus that is spread through droplets of saliva. So, I took a stab at it.

The following is the list of mumps-preventing strategies probably disseminated by the NHL:

Blame Sidney Crosby

As you know, Sid “the Kid” Crosby is one of the most hated players in the NHL. According to many fans, he is the reason for everything that goes wrong in the league. So why not add “causing a mumps outbreak” to his rap sheet?

Why blame Crosby? For a few reasons. First, the mumps virus predominantly affects children, and since Crosby is nicknamed “the Kid,” it’s easy to assume the NHL’s outbreak started with him. Second, fans claim that he cries too much, and when you cry you produce extra saliva. That extra saliva can easily spread when Crosby spends much of his time talking to referees and complaining to teammates. Finally, though Sid the Kid was one of the first NHL’ers to be affected by the virus, there was no way of knowing it was the mumps, as many assumed that was just his stupid, fat face. Therefore, teammates and opposing players would not have known to avoid close contact with him.

If you blame Sidney Crosby, you’ll better your chances to get through this season mumps-free.

Don’t Drink Out of the Same Lord Stanley’s Cup

I know, it’s tradition, and no one wants to break tradition. But as previously noted, mumps is spread through saliva contaminated with the virus. If you have 20 players drinking cheap champagne out of the same glorified bucket, you’re digging your own grave. As this section will ultimately be irrelevant to those on the Philadelphia Flyers roster, it will be omitted from the memo sent to them.

Stop Punching Each Other in the Face

One of the easiest ways to spread bodily fluids is to punch them off the face of someone during a close-quarters boxing match that does nothing to decide the outcome of a hockey game. So stop fighting. Though the players seem to love it. And some would lose their jobs since that’s the only thing they’re good at on the ice. And fans love it, so the NHL might lose thousands of fans if players stop fighting. And if there are no more fights then fans actually have to watch hockey. On second thought, keep fighting. Just wash your hands thoroughly afterwards with the goalie’s water bottle.

If You Lose a Tooth, Swallow it

Tooth loss runs rampant in the world of hockey. Pucks hit faces, fists hit faces, faces hit ice after pucks or fists hit faces. It is guaranteed that your teeth will be knocked out sooner or later if you play in the NHL. Instead of taking the teeth out of your mouth and exposing other players to your disgusting, mumps-ridden saliva, just swallow the teeth. They go down easy, digest quickly, and, let’s face it, you were probably just as ugly before they were knocked out, so no need to save them.

Suck it Up, Nancy

You play in a sport where you get knocked out, hit each other as hard as you can for fun, try to punch each others’ faces off as a form of entertainment, get hit in the eye with a hockey puck traveling at 100 mph, and have to deal with the constant threat of a skate blade coming in contact with your neck. In comparison, mumps doesn’t seem so bad. So just lace up your skates, play the game you love however you want to play it, and ignore all advice included in this memo, while we sit back and laugh at your misshapen visages.

Well, you should still blame Sidney Crosby.

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