AUGUSTA, ME — Tom Hayward, a local historian, discovered the documents in the Maine State Library late Friday night. The dusty papers detail the unanimous May 4th, 1970 vote by Maine State Senate, “To immediately secede from the United States of America so we can do our own thing.”
The vote for the ‘Let’s Get Outta Here Amendement’ occurred the same morning as the Kent State shooting, which Hayward believes conveniently obscured Maine’s treason.
“The votes were right under a “MAD” magazine cover of the Jackson Five. But if you folded it the cover became just Michael Jackson,” Hayward sighed, “That magazine was truly ahead of its time.”
The secession revelation explains many of the idiosyncrasies Hayward noticed in his childhood.
“Now I know why we used 20 dollar bills to make paper mache pinatas,” hayward reminisced. “While the rest of the United States suffered through the booms and busts of a capitalistic economy based on the dollar we kind of just shared everything. What was mine was theirs. If George needed some ⅜ inch screws I’d just ask for a loaf of bread in return and everyone’s stock market rose.”
Democratic Senator Carole Yastremski admitted the secession should come as no surprise to any attentive Mainer.
“Anyone paying attention to Maine’s history might have noticed no Mainers serving in Grenada for Operation Urgent Fury,” Yastremski explained. “Or the notable lack of Mainer senators in Washington. I thought one of our 14 tourists would have reported this by now.”
The reason for the national ignorance of Maine’s independence stems from office page, Turner Underwood, who never forwarded the bill to Washington D.C in 1970. Underwood, now living all alone near Walden pond, defended his negligence.
“I knew if Nixon saw the bill it would all be over,” he admitted. “The Marines would descend and it’d be Kent State all over the state. And they’d kill JFK again and make us fake a Mars landing. So I shoved it under a “MAD” magazine, no one ever looks past the cover, and sat back and relaxed.”
Current New Hampshire Representative, Dana Caulfield, commented, “Well this explains why those Mainers never pay taxes. And our nation’s current budget crisis. Everyone just assumed Maine was bankrupt and had nothing more to say.”
Maine’s current President, Clayton Resvald, illustrated how Maine remained conspicuously silent about the secession issue for so long.
“Well, whenever presidential candidates came around campaigning we all thought that was a hoot,” he said. “All the Mainers who knew the ‘secession secret’ just came out for a show. We’d all get drunk and cheer in the middle of sentences. I remember when Obama came and a silly Mainer yelled, ‘What about Demetrius Hylan?’ and Obama had no idea. We all laughed about that one.”
Demetrius Hylan was Maine’s president between 1980 and 1984, marking Maine’s second black president, and third woman.
In order to not give away their secession, the Maine Council of Elders decreed the state would switch allegiance every four years between the Democrats and Republicans.
“In 1984 the whole world was shocked when Maine went for Reagan,” President Resvald laughed. “CNN spent three weeks explaining how this was due to Reagan’s supreme pathos and sterling economic plan. Really it was simple mathematical chance. The same Republican Party lost 97 percent to one to Dukakis. That year our electoral college members were named Ivan and Alyosha Karamazov. Shows how well-read those American politicians are.”
Many Mainers worry, now that the secret is out, the United States government will again try to assert control. Senator Yastremski feared for the worst, “They’ll come back, to quote the Cranberries, ‘With their tanks and their bombs and their bombs and their guns.’”
However President Obama quickly quashed these nationalist nightmares, releasing the following statement:
“We, the United States of America, respectfully acknowledge the sovereignty of Maine, and only request favorable tariffs on Maine lobsters and low-bush blueberries. And a few military bases.”
The final addendum was greeted with consternation by the Maine Council of Elders who voted against any future United States military bases in Maine proper.
This action prompted a punitive United States invasion, which quickly pushed aside the Maine militia and conquered the country in 50 minutes. U.S. Army General Martin Dempsey was unsatisfied however, “Our goal was to beat the 1898 Anglo-Zanzibar’s record of 40 minutes.”
The United States did not pursue campaigns into the forested and swampy midlands, leaving them as freedom centers for diehard Mainers to escape from United States sovereignty.
© Absrd Comedy, LLC – a parody site for entertainment purposes only. Laugh. Enjoy! Individual opinions expressed are those of the individual authors, not necessarily of absrdComedy, and may not even be those of the individual authors.