Cave Times: Tribe Marks Another Sucky Christmas


NEANDERVILLE – Dwellers today struggled unsuccessfully to find cheer the day after yet another Christmas that was devoid of anything but the usual shivering and fears that the food and firewood will run out before spring, which typically lasts 14 minutes and is still six months away.

“Sleighs, bells, drums, ribbon, bows, ornaments, stockings, tinsel, garlands and candles are all yet to be invented,” said Assembly President Vlad. “What do we have to work with?”

“Not even reindeer,” said Tribe Strongman Balendin, noting that mastodons and woolly mammoths don’t come close.

“Red noses, however, are in abundance,” said Tribe Curmudgeon Iona. “Half the tribe is sick with colds or the flu, same as every year.”

Vlad said he could confirm that no one dreamed of a White Christmas, since every Christmas for the last 20,000 or so years has been white. Also, every Memorial Day, Fourth of July and Thanksgiving — almost like North Dakota, one wag said.

Cave Times: Tribe Marks Another Sucky Christmas

Ate the kids on one Christmas Past

Nor did any kid want to build Frosty or any other type of snowman, since the last ones who tried became dinner for a pack of saber-tooth tigers when they ventured outside the cave.

Mistletoe also was forsaken as a potential Christmas tradition eons ago, when children mistaking it for desert were all sickened while their parents were making out.

And the Tribe this year again found no reason to sing carols.

“Christ himself couldn’t find three wise men in this bunch,” said Tribe Jester Griff.

“I take exception to that,” said Tribe Shrink Sig. Several other Dwellers did, too.

One Dweller who is always nice, never naughty, said she would believe in Santa Claus if she had ever received anything on her list. Raid, RID and Sterno always top her wishes.

But the real problem, said Tribe Guru Astrid, is that Jesus won’t be born for another 10,000 years or so.

“So there goes our shot at life ever after, too,” she said sadly. “Really, Christmas in the Ice Age sucks.”

The silver lining, Astrid said, is that no one will have maxed out their credit cards, since money is thousands of years away, too.

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