THE NORTH POLE – A hack attack revealed that all is not merry and bright at Santa’s workshop. Thousands of confidential emails between the elves were leaked, and they were full of anything but Christmas cheer.
Children are often referred to as “spoiled brats” that “suck the joy out of you like whiny little mosquitoes.” Some were singled out for ridicule. “Just looked at Jenny Pickerton’s list,” wrote Sparkle, an elf that works in the Letters to Santa Department. “Can you believe all the princess stuff she asked for? Hello, butter face! What we should be giving her is a mirror and a reality check.”
But the most shocking revelation is the apparent strained relationship between the elves and Santa Claus. Many of them refer to him as a “big fat idiot,” or BFI in email exchanges like this one between assembly line workers Jingles and Winky:
A spokeself for Santa’s workshop assured the public that the controversy would not affect Christmas in any way. “Santa and his elves are dedicated to bringing joy to all the children of the world who believe in Jesus. In other words you’re getting your presents, unless Santa is distracted by nasty emails from parents who might just end up having to buy their kids’ gifts themselves. Just sayin’.” He then jumped on a magic train with a conductor that looked suspiciously like Tom Hanks and flew away.
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