United States Declares Draft to Support War on Christmas

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WASHINGTON, D.C — After a recent struggle to recruit individuals for its ongoing war, the United States government instituted a mandatory draft to enlist soldiers to fight an ongoing war on the winter Christian holiday, Christmas.

“Each soldier will be stationed outside a store in their hometown,” reports General Adrian Parker, a recruiter for the military. “There, they will be required to fire warning shots at anyone who uses the word ‘Christmas’ instead of the more politically correct season’s greetings.”

The government created this draft under the Holiday Equality Act, which additionally required any Christmas tree placed in service by a government must be immediately taken down in the name of oppressing Christianity.

“We figured we’d just finally come out and admit it,” remarked Congressman Joseph Harvey (D-CA), “We plan to use this draft to force mandatory atheism on the entire American population.”

Some effects of the new law will be:

  • Officially removing the term “Christ” from Christmas, which officially changes the name of the holiday to “Mas.”
  • Requiring all holiday lights be the color of communist red.
  • Renames the “three kings” to the “three comrades.”
  • United States Declares Draft to Support War on Christmas

    “Told you,” remarked Glenn Beck, a noted journalist. “Told you.”

    “It is our duty to repress every God fearing American that has ever attempted to worship some sort of deity,” noted President Barack Obama.

    Obama is expected to pass a bill late tomorrow, legalizing the maiming of Salvation Army bell ringers.


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