Judge Fails To Indict Copps Grocery Store


WISCONSIN — Citing recent legal precedent, Judge Harold Strommer of Wisconsin’s Third District Court, ruled in favor of Copps Grocery Story in the case Copps vs. The Produce Section.

“The case was super simple,” Strommer explained. “I learned in Judge school that cops are usually right. So, ipso facto, they won. And Copps has better than average chicken wings by the pound, too.”

The ruling stemmed from the lawsuit brought forward by the family of Michael Garrison, a frequent Copps customer. On July 14 of this year, Garrison was, according to witnesses, “foraging in the produce section,” and “momentarily brandished a banana as a gun while making ‘pew-pew-pew-pew’ noises.”

An off-duty police officer, Kevin Thomason, was nearby in the coffee grind aisle taking advantage of the Coffee Wednesday Mix N’ Match 10% Extravaganza, and overheard Garrison’s gun mimicry. Thomason dropped his Sumatran Coffee beans and raced to the scene with his gun drawn.

Some witnesses note Thomason was sampling coffee grounds with his gun drawn. Thomason admits, “Sometimes I do just pull my gun out for random things. It’s just a natural reaction. No harm, no foul, right?”

Thomason burst around the coffee ground display and saw, in his own words, “Mr. Garrison standing there with two hands gripping a fresh Chiquita banana. Like a criminal.”

Next, all witnesses corroborate, Thomason opened fire on Garrison, hitting Garrison three times and destroying the fruit weighing machine. Once Garrison had fallen Thomason yelled, “Freeze. Put your hands up.”

Witness Cheryl Tanekin testified, “I saw Thomason take down that oaf [Mr. Garrison] and started a slow-clap. I don’t know why. But I saw a cop and a lifetime of watching procedural dramas told me he had just done the right thing.”

During the trial, Thomason took the stand and defended his actions by admitting he was influenced by a popular Internet image. The doctored image had replaced the gun of Trinity, a main character in The Matrix trilogy, with a banana. Thomason argued at length about how the image had planted itself in his subconscious and caused his mind to believe in the danger of banana guns.

“That’s why I shot Mr. Garrison,” Thomason concluded. “His leather trench-coat did not help matters either. And seriously, you never know what new technology they have. You don’t think they will have banana guns in 10 years?”

Judge Strommer called his verdict the easiest one of his thirty nine year career.

“The shooting was caused by society,” he said. “You can’t put society on trial. And he [Thomason] was in a Copp’s, too. They can kinda do what they want in there as far as I’m concerned. Its a tough job, they make mistakes. I spilled coffee on the bailiff yesterday, should I go to jail?”

Soon after the Supreme Court unanimously decided to declare all Copps grocery stores as a ‘free-play’ zone where anything goes for police officers. Justice Ruth Ginsberg wrote in her opinion, “Its all in the name isn’t it?”

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