1. Inappropriate Nostalgic Over-Sharer
OMG! Remember that time you did that thing? Well, Inappropriate Nostalgic Over-Sharer does and has the photo to prove it. Sure, you’d rather forget all about that ex or that time you did something so cringe worthy that it still makes you squint. But too bad for you, sucker! The Inappropriate Nostalgic Over-Sharer has enough photos and anecdotes about you to last a lifetime. Either they only mean well OR they have a passive aggressive vendetta against you. Deal with it. Whatever you do, don’t piss them off.
2. The Motivational Speaker
Their personal lives are in the dumps and to say they are emotionally stable would be generous, to say the least. But that won’t stop The Motivational Speaker from posting “positive” quotes and “inspirational” photos a dozen times a day, accompanied by a personal note such as “So true…” or “Amen…” The Motivational Speaker is mostly harmless and probably an older female relative or future cat lady.
3. The Political Bully
These self-proclaimed experts know the ins and outs of what’s what in politics. They know what is wrong with this world, and that the ONLY way to fix it is by sharing heavily right or left leaning editorials, and badgering you to sign their latest online petition. The Political Bully will respond to any contrary response on their latest post with lightning speed and their *ahem* razor sharp wit in order to point out the flaws in your argument and how you are obviously brainwashed by Fox News, CNN, etc. The Political Bully is often slightly doughy and most likely a poor sport.
4. The Passive Aggressive Status Updater
“Some people” need to “do their research/make sure their kids…/should stop whining about…,” and The Passive Aggressive Status Updater is going to tell you about it. Someone else’s Status Update has straight up infuriated them. But instead of responding to the post directly or ignoring it altogether, The Passive Aggressive Status Updater posts a somewhat vague but obviously anger-tinged response that is overtly obvious to everyone else. The Passive Aggressive Status Updater is angry mostly due to his/her own insecurities and downfalls, and passive aggression is the manifestation of their self-loathing. Great for a good laugh!
5. The Needy Sad-Sack
Ugh, today was AWFUL.
The Needy Sad-Sack wants you to ask. They NEED you to ask. The Needy Sad-Sack can be relied on to post numerous morose and somewhat ominous status updates daily, including: “I’ve never been so heartbroken.”; “Bye, Facebook.” ;“Why do things like this always happen to ME?”; and “I am so over this.” The Needy Sad-Sack didn’t get enough attention as a child. Ignore or risk getting sucked into the vortex of pity.
6. The Paranoid Sharer
A common household item is TOXIC! A gang of young people posing as fundraisers are going door to door…to rob you! There is a conspiracy afoot! The Paranoid Sharer is keenly aware that the world can be a dangerous place and that you should trust NO ONE…except everyone who makes a random fear mongering post on the internet. That, they can trust. The Paranoid Sharer is allergic to research, opposed to Google and oblivious to Snopes.com. They were alive during the age of chain letters, and are always the first to forward you that spammy email about something you “have got to see to believe!” They are mostly harmless, though generally annoying, like that old neighborhood dog that poops on your lawn now and again.
7. The Emerging “Artist”***
Whether they are writing a book or blog, selling crafts, hawking tickets to their latest show/event or badgering you to please like my page… and share, too *winky* , The Emerging “Artist” has time on their hands you could only dream of and needs your support to keep the word (and their ego) going. In a seemingly endless stream, they post images and updates regarding their “current projects” in hopes that they are on a path to greatness, fame and fortune; and perhaps they are… but most of them are not. Be honest, but not too cruel. It might pay off someday. Or it won’t.
***The author belongs to this category. Sorry, friends and family. Thanks for the support, though!
© Absrd Comedy, LLC – a parody site for entertainment purposes only. Laugh. Enjoy! Individual opinions expressed are those of the individual authors, not necessarily of absrdComedy, and may not even be those of the individual authors.