Brookfield, CT — Residents of this peaceful hamlet, recently named one of USA Today’s “7 Most Livable Hamlets,” are concerned about Janice Atkinson’s recent social media behavior.
“Last week,” friend Carissa Nelson explains. “Janice shared an article about the new, local AND organic gourmet cupcake boutique Piece of Cupcake without a single food emoji. At the time, I did not think anything of it. I thought maybe she was just TOO excited about the mini Red Velvet cupcakes we would soon be eating every Tuesday. But now I know the ugly truth.”
Janice’s controversial Facebook post concerns the wildly popular Buzzfeed list, “19 Signs You Were Born in June 1986.”
Many of Janice’s friends shared the article on Facebook with captions such as:
“I was born in late 1988, but I totally get this!!!!?!”
“Completely agree with every single word of this, it is my life and my essence and all that I have ever been and want to be!!!”
Janice simply captioned, “This is pretty accurate.”
Alexandra Axline, Janice’s best friend, posited, “When you share a Buzzfeed article its only human to be excited. This post makes me wonder if I ever even knew Janice. Only three weeks ago, she went to bed before the midnight premiere of the “Anaconda” music video.”
In the five days since Janice’s indifferent post, she has not attended Niles North High School, which has school officials concerned for legal reasons.
“She’s just ashamed,” Carissa elaborated. “I wouldn’t be surprised if she switched to Westboro High next week.”
Not all of Janice’s friends were angry, though. Some were concerned about their friend’s mental state.
Stephanie Jenkins, long-time neighbor of Janice, worried, “If Janice cannot get excited about the NINETEEN brilliantly written and well-researched characteristics of HER birth month…in an article clicked on nearly 1.7 MILLION times…what WILL excite her!? This is clearly schizophrenia or bi-polar depression.”
Regardless of their feelings, all of Janice’s friends encamped on their ‘troubled’ friend’s lawn last weekend. Outside of tents constantly redecorated with trending hashtags, the eleven high school girls sang Janice’s favorite Lorde songs and blasted the day’s most popular Vines through Bose Acoustimass 10.4 100 Watt speakers. Yet, not until Sunday night, after eight girls succumbed to low wi-fi reception, did Janice emerge from her parent’s home to explain herself.
Janice wore a Gryffindor sweater and, “Pants that crawled out of a 1978 Mervyn’s clearance rack,” Carissa recalled.
Once outside, Janice picked up the Sunday paper before wordlessly turning around and walking back in. Minutes later she deleted her Twitter, Vine, Digster, Instagram and Tumblr accounts, and withdrew from Niles North High School.
An hour later, Janice shared an article on Facebook — her sole remaining social media outlet — about the recent historic climate change agreement between the United States and China. Her caption read, “Hell yeah, finally some change!!”
Reaction to Janice’s new social media direction was mixed.
“I read that article seven times and did not find any pop culture references,” Carissa explained. “I don’t know what was supposed to be exciting.”
Alexandra was more neutral, saying, “Its not really my style. There weren’t even any gifs. But I’m glad she’s excited about life again, even if its weird adult stuff.”
Local sources note Janice is now home-schooled and is no longer subscribed to Katy Perry’s email list.
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