Taylor Swift’s First Boyfriend Wonders Why There Is No Song About Him


Nashville, TN — Troy Welkerson fondly recalls the six months he dated Taylor Swift, during their sophomore year at Hendersonville High School.

“We fell in love, her words not mine,” Welkerson reminisces, “during third period Geometry with Mr. Oftedahl.”

Kris Oftedahl, now retired and near death, remembered, “I’m pretty sure Taylor just liked that Troy did all her Geometry homework and drove her to recording sessions.”

Welkerson wistfully reminisces about the Jelly Belly recipes he and Swift created on rainy November afternoons and their mutual ironic love of the Black Eyes Peas’ “Lets Get Retarded.” But Welkerson questions her career path.

“How can she be a ‘songwriter,’” Welkerson air-quotes, “Without a single song titled ‘First Kiss’? WHICH WAS ME!”

Wilkerson had high hopes Swift’s new 1989 album would finally have a song about him.

“I thought maybe she was just saving me for a pop song,” he explained. “But instead, yet another album without even a passing mention of the Tennessee Volunteers sweatshirt I lent her. Which I have seen her wear in “US Weekly” AND “Seventeen” magazine!”

Notably Welkerson expressed confusion at Swift mentioning other lovers in multiple songs.

“This guy Bradley dated Swift for only two weeks. He says they never got past first base,” Wilkerson explained. “But everyone knows “Should’ve Said No” and “Teardrops On My Guitar” are about Bradley.”

Taylor Swift’s First Boyfriend Wonders Why There Is No Song About Him

Taylor’s representative says if it had actually happened there would have been a song about it.

Recently Swift publicly revealed that two of her early songs, “Invisible” and “A Perfectly Good Heart” were inspired by Tyler Jenkins, a Section 7AA football star she never even dated.

“Tyler puts that on his resume!” Welkerson yells.

More than a few other times Welkerson mistakenly thought his time had come.

“When I listened to “Tied Together With A Smile,” I definitely thought I was ‘the face in the mirror looking back at you.’ But then I read the August 2007 issue of “Teen People” and discovered that was also about Tyler.”

Particularly angering, Welkerson opines, is that John Mayer, the noted guitarist who dated Swift for a month in 2009, ‘earned’ an epic, seven-minute long song titled “Dear John.”

“It’s not fair, I dated her longer than John Mayer, Joe Jonas, Jake Gyllenhall and Taylor Lautner combined!” he exclaimed. “And yet “Red” should just be called Jake Gylenhall and That Guy From Twilight.”

Chad Welkerson, Troy’s aging father, recalls Swift and his son exhibiting all the qualities of a dynamic, song-worthy relationship.

“They took Community Education Pottery together, that’s a pretty obvious metaphor for love right there,” he said. “When Tay-tay broke her tibia during a freak stage accident, Troy actually taught her to walk again. The song writes itself.”

Mr. Welkerson then began singing a rendition of “Moving Forward,” the first single from his upcoming debut country album, Backcountry Hero.

Mr. Welkerson also added that Troy and Swift’s break-up was reportedly filled with enough drama to fill an entire album. On January 19, 2004, Swift went to Welkerson’s house for their weekly root beer sampling night. After knocking a few times she entered the Wilkerson residence and discovered Sabrina Maxwell enjoying Frostie Company’s Old Fashioned Root Beer in her stead.

A shouting match then began which reportedly ended with Welkerson screaming, “You are just jealous I’m already on varsity tennis! I can’t wait for you forever, go on, I don’t need you for my dreams.”

A week later, according to a local police report, Welkerson and his friends drunkenly torched Swift’s 1996 Ford Taurus. Later, they also threw un-ripe honeydew melons at Swift during the high school talent show.

“How could she NOT write a song about that?!”

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