BUFFALO, NY — Major Dick Dangle (ret.), a marathon runner from Buffalo, NY had the surprise of his life Wednesday upon returning home from his daily morning jog when he noticed something was amiss. Down there.
Dangle, a veteran and hometown hero known for his daily runs down Main Street, routinely wears the drab olive short-shorts affectionately referred to as “Ranger Panties” along with a hand stenciled tank top that reads Major Dangle, rain or shine… or snow.
“I began my love of running while I was in training, back in ‘89,” he explained. “These were part of the uniform and are definitely the most comfortable running shorts a guy can find. Once you get going you just don’t feel the cold. I’ve never had a problem like this before.”
It started out like any morning for Dangle: a stretch and quick cup of hot cocoa to get the blood flowing, then out the door for his six mile loop. Snow had piled waist deep, but he pushed on; determined to challenge his body to overcome the freezing cold powder that had enveloped his legs and genitals.
“To be honest, I was almost completely numb before I finished the first mile,” he said. “I was running, but it felt more like bouncing on tree trumps. I never felt any discomfort, until I got home. Then I felt this intense pain in my groin. I reached down to try and massage out what I thought was just a bit of the old frost bite when I felt…nothing. They were gone. I froze my balls off. ”
He immediately contacted the local police, who put out an APB for the missing bits. Word spread quickly among the locals who put together a search and rescue.
“He risked his life, putting his balls on the line to serve our country,” said one volunteer. “This is the least we can do. It’s our turn to save his balls.”
After an exhaustive search, Dangle’s scrotum was located by a K-9 unit. Unfortunately, the helpful pooch who located them was a bit excited and damaged them irreparably.
“To be honest, I don’t mind if he doesn’t have them,” said Dangle’s wife of 25 years. “They were always getting in the way anyhow.”
Dangle has been released from the hospital and is expected to make a full recovery.
“Who knows,” said Dangle, “this might improve my run time!”
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