Tips And Tricks: Fantasy Football


Over the last ten years, fantasy football has grown into one of the most popular forms of sports entertainment for people with no athletic ability. Millions of people across this great country spend hours looking at stats and figures of professional athletes, just for the bragging rights that they can make an educated guess better than their friends.

In this light, we asked avid fantasy football player and absrdCOMEDY writer, Jackson Curtin, to comprise a list of advice to help our readers gain a leg up.

Know what sport your fantasy team plays.

For the first two years, apparently I was just betting on horse racing. It’s easy to get those things confused.

Superman cannot be your running back, no matter how much you cry.

And believe me, I can cry a lot. You have to use football players, ones that currently play professionally. It’s frowned upon to try to use Joe Montanta’s 1989 Superbowl winning season for your team.

Be able to predict the future

If you can know how the games will end before they happen, then you will have a good shot at going to the championship.

Get to know your father

Doesn’t have anything to do with this list, but you should really give him a call.

When offering trades, don’t include the phrase “happy ending”


Catch a leprechaun, cut off his foot and attach it to your key chain

This advice actually goes beyond just fantasy football. Leprechaun feet are the third luckiest known objects on the planet.

Are there space leprechauns?

Sorry, but I mean they are magic right? So, it stems to reason that they would also live on other planets. There could be a whole planet filled with them.

Why isn’t NASA looking into this?

Why spend so much time trying to fuck around on Mars (we know is leprechaunless since they hate the color red) and not trying to find Planet Leprechaun?

Jennifer Aniston got her start on Leprechaun

This, by the way, is a terrible film.

What was I talking about…Fantasy Football!

Sorry, so yeah. Football. Uhh, I dunno. Draft Adrian Peterson or Peyton Manning. If you can’t do that then your season is pretty much over anyway.

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