MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Recently, Minnesota legislators, in an effort to maintain their reputation as a place of “nice” people, passed a series of bills, colloquially known as the “Be Nice Or Leave Acts”.
Under the laws, anyone acting in a way deemed by law enforcement to be rude or mean-spirited will be sent to Jerk Court, where, if convicted, a series of harsh punishments await them.
The strictest of these sentences is exile from the state and confinement to a small cramped apartment in New York City, where the convicted will work as a 60-hour a week unpaid intern in fashion, public relations or finance.
Speaking through a Norwegian translator, Marge Thorvaldsson, chair of the Minnesota Department of Polite Affairs, said this about the new statutes: “These laws will ensure that the ‘Minnesota Nice’ culture remains strong in our state. Mean, self-centered, egoistic people belong in Manhattan, not Minneapolis”. She then jumped on to a snowmobile and sped off down Hennepin Avenue.
The first to be convicted was banker John Hahn of Eden Prairie, a Twin Cities suburb. Upon boarding the new Green Line light rail in downtown St. Paul, he was caught cutting off an elderly couple while boarding the train. John was arrested, swiftly taken to trial, and sentenced to six months in a cramped Brooklyn apartment with five roommates for $2000 a month.
Mr. Hahn is appealing the decision. Sources say he is attempting to negotiate a room in Washington Heights instead, which New Yorkers refer to as “the East Williamsburg of Manhattan.”
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