The Cave Times: Tribe Strongman advocates silent suffering (and hooch)


NEANDERVILLE — Responding to what he called the “empty promise” of emotional honesty, Tribe Strongman Balendin today called for a moratorium on relating, revealing, conceding, communing, crying, soul-searching, divulging, admitting vulnerability and fear, outward displays of anxiety, neurosis or trepidation, and all other forms of so-called “sharing.”

In their place, he urged Dwellers to adopt the practice of silent suffering — “complimented, when appropriate, with massive daily consumption of alcohol.”

As a model, Balendin cited the Irish – who, a recent Tribe time traveler revealed, tolerated centuries of poverty, consumption, imperialism, internecine warfare, bloody Sundays, religious abuse, thatch-roof hovels, pest-infested bogs, rain, fog, cold, two-day summers and other afflictions too numerous to list without complaint.

“If anything, that future world was better for the dark writing and music that resulted. The band called U2 really rocked the planet, to cite one example. And we are told that there was not a single soul who doubted that, after Shakespeare, James Joyce was the greatest writer ever.”

“But no one ever understood a word of Joyce,” said Tribe contrarian Garth. “Although it should be noted he kept generations of English professors gainfully employed.”

Tribe Strongman advocates silent suffering (and hooch)

Booze seen as more effective than this

“Let’s not digress,” said Balendin. “The Irish gave true meaning to the phrase ‘bottled up.’ I suggest we follow their example. So we are flea-bitten, starving, freezing and on a good day, just one step ahead of the wooly mammoth — yeah, our lives suck. Deal with it. Silently.”

Balendin called for a ban on all psychotherapy, behavioral programs, medications, hand-holding, hugging, embracing, listening, complaining and other personal and professional interventions.

Thinking proactively, he called for a ban on social media when the Internet is invented.

“Also, reality shows, TMZ and the Kardashians. That shit gets really ugly.”

Fearing loss of revenue, Tribe Shrink Sig immediately protested – and he found substantial support from the whine-and-share contingent.

But other Dwellers were with Balendin.

“So when will whiskey be invented?” one said.

Thus far in evolution, only wine fermented from berries has been discovered, but Tribe distillers are working overtime to come up with spirits.

“So we have to work with what we’ve got,” said Balendin. “My advice? Suck it up. Shut your yap. Wall it off. Internalize. Drink deeply of the hooch.”

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