USA — In a revelation which shocked millions, a recent paternity test revealed that America’s biological father is the late King George III.
“Our lab was in shock when we came up with these results,” remarked Tori Johnson, a biologist. “While we may have expected George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, or maybe even Aaron Burr to be America’s biological founding father, we never could have expected this.”
These tests were performed after lost letters from Washington casted doubt on America’s true founding father.
“I am sorry to have withheld this information for so long,” Washington wrote, “but after all we’ve been through, I just couldn’t find the right time to tell you about your real father.”
This comes as a shock to America, who is also currently unaware of its biological founding mother.
“It seems like everyone is trying to keep me out of the loop of things,” America remarked in a recent press conference. “I do not plan on making any comments until my internal investigation is finished.”
This recent revelation raises more questions than it provides answers.
“Our next research will be to further dissect the bloodlines of America’s children,” reported historian, Maurice Weithers. “For example, if King George III is the father of America, is he also the grandfather of the Panama Canal?”
To confirm these results, America is expected to appear on a special episode of “Maury” next season.
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