NEW YORK, NY -– The first competition for the title of the Most Powerful Man in the World has reached its final round. Yesterday, President Xi Jinping of China and the Prime Minister David Cameron of the UK were eliminated. President Barack Obama of the USA and President Vladimir Putin of Russia progressed to the final round.
The two men will compete against each other in the following categories:
o The number of years in office
o The amount of money spent in order to remain in office
o The number of opposition activists silenced in order to remain in office
o The number of conspiracy theories survived while in office
o The number of personal documents released in order to prove eligibility to hold office
o The number of wars started and/or countries invaded
o The number of foreign heads of state replaced and/or appointed
Bonus points will be awarded if contestants have a proven record of:
(1) Killing, torturing and/or imprisoning terrorist suspects (rank and number of such suspects will be considered)
(2) Saving wild life
(3) Recovering ancient artifacts from the bottom of the sea
(4) Participating and/or achieving title(s) in a professional sport
(5) Posing bare-chested (presence of a six-pack will earn additional points)
The judges’ panel will consist of three randomly chosen United Nations members currently sitting on the Security Council. The delegates from both the United States and Russia have been disqualified from participating in the panel.
Although no details have emerged on how points would be awarded, a senior UN Official, speaking on condition of anonymity, explained that the panel would consider each man’s track record using an algorithm developed by a top-secret facility in a classified location.
Both contestants declined to be interviewed but issued statements through their representatives.
In a statement issued today, President Obama said:
“I am very pleased to reach the final round for the title of the Most Powerful Man in the World. I have great respect for President Putin but let us be frank – shooting down a civilian aircraft doesn’t exactly a powerful man make. Killing enemies like Osama Bin Laden and bombing ISIS, on the other hand, does. I am confident that the esteemed members of the panel will do justice rating all of our accomplishments.”
“Mr. Obama can suck it,” reads the translated version of President Putin’s statement. “The Most Powerful Man in the World is the man who spends his time governing his people — not running from one fundraiser to another. The panel understands that, I understand that, and soon Mr. Obama will understand that. On another note, I’d like to invite the judges for a caviar lunch at my palace in Sochi. Transportation will be provided.”
The panel is set to consider the results of the algorithm and make its final decision by the end of October, just in time for the U.S. midterms election. The White House declined to speculate on whether winning the contest could benefit Democrats’ chances. When reached for a comment on the same question, Mitt Romney offered to bet $10,000 that the Democrats would lose.
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