The Cave Times: Fearing hell, Tribe aims to appease Merciless Vengeful God


NEANDERVILLE — Having yet to renounce — or even fully understand — a single one of the Seven Deadly Sins, Dwellers today unanimously agreed that they have much work ahead of them before even coming close to appeasing Merciless Vengeful God.

Merciless Vengeful God has been appearing in a growing number of visions and dreams recently, announcing Himself as “the sole judge of whether you burn for all eternity in hell or maybe get an occasional drop of water. ‘Occasional,’ as in once a century or so.”

The Cave Times: Fearing hell, Tribe aims to appease Merciless Vengeful God

Merciless Vengeful God

“You must mean Putin, not God,” said one Dweller, recalling the Russian leader’s time-travel visit earlier this year.

“I do not mean Putin,” Assembly leader Vlad said. “I mean Merciless Vengeful God, who in His infinite wisdom at some future time will set all but the Buddhists down a path of hostage-taking, waterboarding, YouTube beheadings, rape of children, random killing of innocents, assassination by drones and stoning to death after being buried up to your head in hot desert sand.”

“So those are the seven sins,” said Tribe Shaman Kari.

“Wrong,” said Vlad.

“Who are Buddhists?’ another Dweller asked.

“People who seek only peace and tranquility,” said Kari.


“Impossible idealists, at the very least,” said Vlad. “Now, let me list Merciless Vengeful God’s real Seven Deadly Sins. They are: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride.”

A spirited discussion involving many members of the Tribe then ensued.

“I thought pride was a good thing. How else could the LGBT community ever have defeated the bigots?”

“I thought sloth was the weird-looking animal that hangs from trees and flashes a sort of drunk Cheshire-cat grin every now and then.”

“And what’s wrong with lust? Without TV, it’s about the only fun we have. Plus, it keeps the species going.”

“Birth control sure would make it more fun,” said one pregnant woman.

“We could never have gluttony,” said another Dweller. “We go days without food. Maybe make that one starvation?”

Why isn’t hatred on the list? That’s way worse than envy.”

“And why is it seven sins, and not ten? Top lists always have ten items, not seven or 11 or whatever. I think it comes from the number of fingers we have. What most of us have, anyway.”

“I do not have these answers,” Vlad said. “I only know we must appease Merciless Vengeful God or face the consequences. I suggest we start with number six, wrath. We’ve been warming up already with our Twelve Steps of Screaming.”

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