Online Investigation Reveals Internet Trolls Are Actually Aliens Who Speak Binary


Silicon Valley, CA –- Ever since web-based forums were first utilized by the public in the 1970s, internet trolls have voiced their dissent about any and all discussions whether related to the topic at hand or not.

These, often anonymous and callous, comments leave people to question what was becoming of humanity. As it turns out, it isn’t people leaving these comments; it’s aliens.

The first documented trolling comment was communicated in binary on a computer programming forum:

“I have established a forum”

“Your forum smells like your stinky feet”

At the time, forum creator Ned Smaattypants just assumed the snarky response came from Bill in accounting.

Online Investigation Reveals Internet Trolls Are Actually Aliens Who Speak Binary

Trolls never care who they hurt and they are always smiling.

“He was our company jokester,” noted Smaattypants. “He’d wear a hand buzzer to business lunches and spike the punch at the Christmas party. Always the prankster, that Bill.”

As it turns out, however, upon a global investigation into internet trolling initiated by the NSA, it was revealed that these cruel commenters are not human at all, but rather alien trolls. While these trolls do not reside under bridges as legends have lead us to believe, they do bear a striking resemblance to the popular Troll Dolls who also have similarly brightly colored hair. As far as the hues of the alien’s locks are concerned, the further along you get on the color spectrum (ROYGBIV), the harsher the comments that they leave.

This information comes as a relief to many bloggers, vloggers and assorted artists who found it difficult to believe that actual human beings could be so harsh, petty and mean in the commentary of their work.

“I never understood where these trolls popped up from,” said Ellen Baker who runs a popular cooking blog, which has been invaded by yellow and green trolls. “I recently posted my Grandmother’s recipe for corn bread and in the comments section I saw, ‘Hey their fatty guess the corn bred made you fat. Your a fat fatty.’ I cried for two days. But now, knowing that it was just alien trolls, I feel better about the world we live in. No actual person could leave a comment that is so rude and riddled with spelling and grammatical errors.”

In a statement made by NSA spokesman John Johnson to the global community of internet contributors, he said:

“We have covered this up for too long, and too many people were getting hurt. It was time to let the world know that those internet comments that started passive aggressively with, ‘Let me get this straight,’ or claimed that ‘You should be embarrassed,’ or called you a ‘moron, dumbass or shithead,’ or requested that you ‘take your own life for showcasing your talent or expressing your point of view’ were all generated from intergalactic alien trolls. Please know we are doing everything within our power to bring civility back to our online civilization.

“We have found the best way to combat these trolls is with comments that include but are not limited to penis enlargement requests, sites seeking singles and Canadian pharmacies as well as the promotion of high-top sneakers and mirrored sunglasses. We realize this may feel a bit counterintuitive, but we are, after all, a government agency.”

© Absrd Comedy, LLC – a parody site for entertainment purposes only. Laugh. Enjoy! Individual opinions expressed are those of the individual authors, not necessarily of absrdComedy, and may not even be those of the individual authors.

photo credit: David Lee King via photopin cc
photo credit: David Lee King via photopin cc

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