NEANDERVILLE — During an unusual exercise here today, Dwellers learned that they will have to amp up the anger if the species is to become what millennia from now will be described, incorrectly, as highly evolved human beings.
The finding shocked the Tribe, which until today did not realize people possessed such a potential reservoir of untapped, deep-seated hostility.
Assembly President Vlad began the exercise with a poll.
“What do you hate?” he asked.
“Saber-tooth tigers!” a number of Dwellers answered immediately.
“Cold,” said guru Astrid.
“Lice,” said jester Griff.
“Normalcy,” said shrink Sig, who drew puzzled looks.
“What are we missing?” Vlad said.
“Throwing up,” said one teen known to party too hard on Friday nights.
“Wrong, everyone,” Vlad said. “No one has named another person.”
“Why would we do that?” said shaman Kari. “We all like each other, most of the time, anyway. Without everyone working together as a team, this cave thing would go to hell real fast. None of us would survive. Just look how the deck is stacked against us.”
“That’s because we number only 100,” Vlad said. “But when the population climbs, that all-for-one-and-one-for-all feeling will wither, trust me. Hatred will rise. It will have to! Without hatred, politics and organized religion would be impossible.”
“What’s organized religion?” Kari asked.
“The belief that you’re right and anyone who doesn’t agree is wrong, and should be immediately killed or at the very least scorned, ostracized and made to feel guilty for life — preferably a very short and painful life passed in a cell with daily access to waterboarding,” Vlad said. Dwellers recently learned about the new concept of guilt.
“What happens then?” said mystic Bob.
“Well, of course organized religion breeds war, terrorism, rape, torture and self-perpetuating animosities, grudges and vendettas that last centuries,” Vlad said. “Whether anyone actually makes it to heaven, however, remains in dispute.”
“How do politics fit in?” Kari asked.
“Typically they’re blended seamlessly with the organized religion,” Vlad said. “Though politics can exist fully hateful on its own. Look at 20th-century Soviet or Chinese Communism.” Dwellers learned about that when Russian President Vladimir Putin, who came of age in that era, time-traveled in from the future a few weeks ago.
“I heard Washington in 2014 is like that,” a Dweller said.
“Some politicians, for sure,” Vlad said.
“What about Buddhism?” Kari asked. “No hate there. We should invite the Dalai Lama to visit, by the way. He wears the coolest robes.”
“Great mantras, too,” said Astrid.
“Buddhism is not an organized religion,” Vlad said. “Just a spiritual construct that, when properly practiced, brings peace, love and deep meaning and purpose to human existence. Not for everyone.”
“No blame?” Griff asked. Dwellers have been learning about that recently, too.
“Definitely not for everyone.”
“Now,” said Vlad, “to help move us toward that special hateful place, let’s everyone have a good scream. Step One, please.”
“I hate this,” said contrarian Garth.
“Get used to it,” said Vlad. “Hatred is the future.”
Vlad closed the session with a moment of silence for the late comic genius Robin Williams, who spread joy and laughter, the polar opposites of hatred, around the world. He noted that Williams was not known to be deeply involved with either politics or organized religion.
Read all the Cave Times articles on absrdCOMEDY.com!
For breaking Cave Times news, visit @TheCaveTimes
© Absrd Comedy, LLC – a parody site for entertainment purposes only. Laugh. Enjoy! Individual opinions expressed are those of the individual authors, not necessarily of absrdComedy, and may not even be those of the individual authors.