PORTLAND, OR – According to a police report, at 11AM Monday morning, forty-year-old, Miranda Noitall says she walked into Creek Side Park with her hair in a brunette bob and her 3-year-old son at her side, but when she walked out at 11:30AM, she was bald.
“I was pushing my son Logan on the swing; we were singing “The Wheels on the Bus,” for the thirty-fourth time and I couldn’t really hear what was going on across the park,” said on-looker Sally Jensen, “But I saw this one mom [Noitall] approach another mom and moments later [Noitall’s] hair just fell right out.”
According to witnesses, about twenty minutes after entering the park, Noitall approached fellow mom , Linda Goodmam who was allegedly handing her 19-month-old daughter a juice box.
“Well, I went over because as soon as I saw the death trap she was feeding her innocent child, I knew I had to intervene, “clarifies Noitall. “ I felt it was my job, as a fellow mom, to tell her that a juice box is basically just a box of diabetes. ” Noitall then stated that she did not understand why any of this could cause her to lose her hair.
“It was apple juice. Not arsenic,” said Goodmam.
“[Noitall] slapped the juice box out of that other mom’s hand and started scolding her like she was a child. Like she was a stupid child,” explained another witness, Claire Sloan, as she wiped dirt out of her own 10-month-old’s mouth.
According to Noitall’s hairdresser, Mindy Simon, two similar incidents happened a few months and a week ago, respectively.
“The first time she came in, she just had some serious split-end breakage. I didn’t really think anything of it,” said Simon. “Ya know what? I do remember she said it was after a trip to the mall. She was telling me how she had just helped a new mom by convincing her not to get her newborn daughter’s ears pierced. And right after that, she noticed the breakage. So we just did a quick trim.”
The next time Simon saw Noitall was after a visit to a museum, “Miranda came in with these sporadic bald patches, so I gave her an adorable pixie cut.”
According to reports, on a trip to the Children’s Museum three Saturdays ago, Noitall ran into her neighbor Grace, an engineer, and her 2-year-old son, Hudson.
“As a stay-at-home mom, I wanted to let Grace know that I thought it was great that she took time away from her job to be with her son that afternoon,” explained Noitall. “ All I said was, ‘It’s wonderful that you’re here. Last time I saw Hudson, he was crying. I think he missed you so much because you’re always working. I give you so much credit that you can let someone else raise him for you. It’s just something I could never do.’”
Moments after Noitall made this comment, the bald patched appeared and she went to Simon for the pixie cut.
This time, however, a new haircut does not seem to be a potential solution.
“She’s bald!” Explained Simon. “All I can do for bald is a wig or a buff and polish. She needs to own it.”
While Noitall has not been seen about town, she has been seen trolling* various parenting blogs.
*Please Note: When we originally published this article we said, “trolling,” we meant “patrolling,” Our apologies.
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