ACKLEY, IOWA — Last Saturday, bride-to-be, Maureen Cafferty was hospitalized after her uncle Jamie, an avid Game of Thrones fan, attempted to slit her throat before her wedding ceremony at a church in the small town of Ackley, Iowa.
“He just came at me with some kinda homemade ax, screaming, ‘A Lanister always pays his debts,’” said a confused Cafferty from her hospital bed. The 22-year-old is being treated for numerous superficial cuts and emotional trauma.
Ms. Cafferty opted for a Game of Thrones wedding after she saw a poster of, “A pretty blonde girl and dragons. I’ve always loved dragons,” Cafferty explained. “And, well, people tell me I’m pretty. And I’m blonde. Well, above the equator so to speak. And I think the blonde girl with the dragons was a princess. How fun is that? So I told my fiancé that that’s going to be the theme of our wedding.”
Neither Cafferty nor her groom-to-be, Bruce Snow, have ever seen an episode of the show, but Snow agreed to the idea because, “Someone told me there was a character in The Throne Game with my last name; so I’m like, famous. And I thought that was cool. Plus, all of the dudes got swords. I love swords. Oh, and that ball thing you throw and it wraps around someone’s neck. That is so awesome.”
After the pre-ceremony incident, the couple was informed that in both the wildly popular television series as well as the George R.R. Martin books on which the series is based, the weddings have had a rash of violence and death. The couple was shocked. Cafferty cried, “I just wanted to be a princess. And I wanted my invitations to have a fun squiggly font. And I just wanted little baby dragons made of icing on my cake and dragon pins in my hair. Baby dragons are cute. They’d never hurt anyone.”
As for Cafferty’s uncle Jamie, he told police that the whole incident was a misunderstanding. He thought he was just playing a game. He claims to have found a satchel of gold coins left for him the morning of the wedding. He then thought the game of Game of Thrones had begun, so he set after his niece. “I didn’t actually want to hurt her. It was a plastic ax. I was just joking around. When I got the wedding invitation, I thought she wanted to go full Thrones. C’mon, there was the red wedding… and the purple wedding. I had no intention of making this the black and blue wedding.”
As it turned out, the gold coins were just gelt leftover from a Chanukah party which he accidentally attended back in December.
After undergoing further psychological therapy, Ms. Cafferty is set to be released from the hospital tomorrow morning stating that the wedding has been rescheduled for this coming weekend.
As for The Game of Thrones theme, Snow commented, “Nah, I think we’re done with that. Too violent. We’re going to go with a family theme… The Sopranos. We love us some Italian food!”
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