LAS VEGAS, Nevada (RPN) – Fresh from his swing through Texas, the most recent leg of his cross-America tour, Vladimir Putin – the self-proclaimed ‘Supreme Ruler for Life of the Russian Federation and as Many Countries as I Can Annex or Otherwise Grab’ — this evening debuted his magic show to a sold-out crowd at the MGM Grand Hollywood Theater.
Dressed in a glittering V-neck sequin outfit that reminded many of the late Liberace, a resemblance no one dared tell Putin, the Russian president first posed a question to the audience, which offered no answer beyond a vague reference to Tom Cruise.
“Tell me,” he said, “why you Americans call Scientology a religion. I am an atheist, as you know, but I get Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism and Christianity, at least on an intellectual level. I get no one wants to believe this is all there is, although in truth, this is it, so best be a megalomaniac, I say. But scientology? Seriously, comrades. OK, on with the show.”
Putin brought Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko on stage. That he was bound, gagged and unresponsive seemed to contradict Putin’s assertion that he had “graciously volunteered to be my Act Number One.”
Poroshenko was then stuffed, literally, into a canon and Putin lit the fuse. With an explosion that was heard as far away as Death Valley, California, appropriately enough, Poroshenko was shot into the air, through the roof, and on toward the stratosphere, where, we remind our dear readers, there is no air or much of anything except old Cold War junk.
“Oops, too big a charge,” Putin lamented. “I thought we ironed that out in rehearsal.”
Next was the highly anticipated Anne Coulter trick, in which the right-wing columnist was placed inside a box that Putin began to saw in two. When blood-curdling screams were heard, Putin stopped cutting, the lights were dimmed, and crew swiftly rushed the box from the stage. The sirens of emergency vehicles were heard outside the MGM Grand.
Putin seemed genuinely upset by the accident. “Except for that comment about soccer,” he said, “I admire everything about her. I mean, she is SO vicious and mean, and all with only words! A rare talent. I’ll be sending flowers to her at the hospital, for sure.”
For his final act, Putin placed Barrack, the official state tiger, inside a larger box that stood on four legs. Putin uttered “abracadabra” as an assistant circled the box and ran his hands underneath to confirm there were no hidden doors or similar illusionistic devices.
The crowd fell silent.
A moment later, Putin opened the box. The tiger was gone, replaced by a beaming President Obama. The two leaders took a bow.
“This is the kind of trick I can appreciate,” Obama said. “Now if Vlady can make Boehner and McCain disappear, too, I’ll be a happy man.”
“I have my ways,” Putin said with a wink. “Let me know if you mean it.”
Declaring that it truly took magic to repair U.S.-Russia relations, Obama issued a personal invitation to Putin for a White House visit. Putin immediately accepted.
Asked by a reporter after the show ended what had happened to David Copperfield, who usually has the MGM Grand gig but hasn’t been heard from since Putin’s debut was announced, a spokesman for the Russian leader denied any knowledge.
“All I can say,” the spokesman declared, “is remember the old saying: ‘What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.’ ”
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