Saudi Arabia Legalizes Medicinal Alcohol

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SAUDI ARABIA — In a move that sent shockwaves worldwide, the Saudi Arabian government has voted on a bill to legalize medicinal alcohol, including for those under the age of 21. Starting on January 1st, 2015, any citizen with a prescription from a doctor may obtain a six pack of Miller Lite or a bottle of wine at one of the approved alcohol dispensaries, currently under construction.

This treatment is expected to provide therapeutic resources for citizens suffering from serious conditions, such as under confidence, overhydration, and lack of sexual arousal.

A Saudi Arabian alcohol advocate, Ahmed Haddad, gave an emotional testimony on the issue, appealing to the government. “For 30 years I have suffered from living in close proximity to my mother and father in law.” he said, fighting back tears, “I tried therapy. I tried passive aggressive remarks when I saw them. Nothing worked. It seemed there was nothing I could do to cope with the pain. This bill could provide me, and hundreds of others like me, the medication they need to cope.”

Saudi Arabia Legalizes Medicinal Alcohol

Alcohol proven to ease the pain of having a mother-in-law

Critics, however, are concerned with the slippery slope that could be caused by this bill. “It has been well documented that the legalization of alcohol is immediately followed by the rise of terrible club music and terrible comedy clubs. Is this the nation we want to become?” remarked Mayeda Habib, leader of the Saudis Against Drunkenness.

However, the bill’s main sponsor, Abdul Riaz, is optimistic about the potential for the benefits that medicinal alcohol can provide. “We have studied the impact of alcohol on nations worldwide,” Riaz commented in a speech, “and have concluded that legalizing alcohol may turn someone into the most interesting man in the world!”

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