NEANDERVILLE (RPN) – Taking a break from his cross-country tour of America, Russian president Vladimir Putin today traveled back in time many thousands of years to advise members of The Tribe as they contemplate their evolution.
“Most importantly, you must establish a spy agency that can learn the most intimate details of everyone’s life, identify enemies of the state, and then either kill said enemies with drones or send them for life to a gulag or prison on the tip of Cuba,” Putin said.
“As a model, I recommend the KGB or NSA. NSA is probably better. The KGB is a bit outdated these days, but those boys in that concrete building in Utah? Man!”
Assembly president Vlad questioned the Russian leader on the meaning of “enemies of the state,” a term that was new to him and the entire Tribe, which just recently hit 100 in population, an historic milestone.
“But first,” Vlad said, “let me congratulate you on your choice of name, President Vladimir.”
“It does have a certain ring, doesn’t it, comrade president.”
“As for state,” Vlad continued, “we have no state, unless you mean the state of perpetual exhaustion, which you would appreciate, too, if you had to catch or scrounge your every single meal. As for enemies, hunger, disease, cold, dampness, infection, tooth decay, low life expectancy, lice and saber-tooth tigers are our enemies. A KGB or NSA could help with those?”
“Of course,” Putin said. “Both agencies are equipped to deal with any and all threats. But tell me why tigers would be sworn enemy. I love tigers! Ride them bareback when I get the chance — and, as you may or may not know, my official state mascot is a tiger named Barack. Sorry he couldn’t make the trip with me. You’d love him. A very gentle creature. When I invaded Ukraine, he purred like a kitten.”
The Assembly had no clue what Putin was talking about. “Very, very strange,” one wag whispered.
“One more suggestion before I go,” the Russian leader said. “You need better weapons than sharpened sticks and stones. Nukes are highly desirable but would be a leap for you at this stage, so I recommend guns.”
“Difficult,” said tribe guru Astrid, “when you don’t have steel or gunpowder.”
“Good point,” Putin said. “How about a crude Molotov cocktail? You know, of course, that they were invented a fellow Russian.”
Using a hollowed-out gourd, flammable pine tar and an ember from the Cave Fire, Putin then built and demonstrated history’s first man-made explosion.
The Assembly agreed it had potential. As thanks, Dwellers presented the 21st-century head of state with a genuine bear pelt.
Dressed in it, Putin was about to return to 2014 when Vlad asked for a favor.
“See if you can get your scientists to change the name of the people we will evolve into,” he said. “It is the feeling of all Dwellers that ‘homo sapiens’ is an offensive and derogatory term that belongs to a less enlightened age.”
Putin said he’d do what he could, and then he was whisked back to Texas, where he planned to leave for the next stop on his American tour, Las Vegas.
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