*NOTE: Michael (Mike) Blackman is by no means an actual board certified attorney or comedian. Rather, he is a self-proclaimed law aficionado and comedy fan in general. His opinions do not reflect those of the absrdCOMEDY.COM staff or any of its contributors.
“I’m currently involved in property dispute involving multiple family members. Any advice if I’d prefer to salvage the relationship and avoid going to court?
-Cathy, Memphis TN
MB: Burn the property. Unfortunately in these situations family isn’t a sentence, it’s an epic online blog that you’re gonna be stuck reading for the rest of your life. Unless, of course, you can always decide to ditch your family and keep the property instead. Your call.
“What should I do about a long over-due parking ticket?”
-Barry, Phoenix AZ
MB: Like library book late fees, they expire with time. Remember… most courtrooms in general are just a series of extensions and delays.
“What is sexual harassment?”
-Susan, San Francisco CA
MB: How I met my first wife (jk).
“What exactly is common law?”
-Thomas, Denver CO
MB: The boring stuff you get from books.
“What advice would you give to a father of three currently going through a particular rough divorce?”
-John, Cincinnati Ohio
MB: It is important to remember the end goal and separate yourself from the turmoil unfolding. After all the emotionally draining meeting and long strenuous mediation, you’ll get to bang other women. Stay strong.
“What is a tortfease?”
-Amy , Portland OR
MB: Misspelling of court fees.
“Can I make my husband pay for my attorney fees?”
– Mary St. Paul, Minnesota
MB: Not only can you, but if you caught him cheating in the act, I could probably get him to pay for a round-trip to Italy for both of us so you could meet your next potential husband. Hell, even if he didn’t cheat I probably could probably make it happen. Either way don’t forget about my 10 %…
“Can I file bankruptcy if I’m living in my car temporarily?”
– Jeannie, Albuquerque NM
MB: Not if it’s a Prius.
“Is it illegal to tape record a spouse or loved on during a heated argument?”
– Sally, Beverly Hills CA
MB: I get asked this question by my client all the time. While the right to privacy is a legitimate argument, it really boils down to how juicy the conversation is being recorded. If it’s some boring story about traffic it’s inadmissible. If it’s a racist rant by a widely known NBA team owner I can forward you Harvey Levin’s email.
“I just failed a breathalyzer and got hit with my first DUI. What should I do next?”
-Chris, Memphis, TN
MB: Build a time machine and go back in time to before you were drunk. Otherwise immediately cancel any further plans because after this has been dealt with by the authorities, prepared to be the designated driver for your friends for the rest of your life, because you will have no car, no license, no money to go out drinking…Unless it’s your first DUI in which case they usually let you slide on that front.
“If I catch my cheating husband in the act do I have the right to shoot him?”
Carolyn, Austin TX
MB: Only in Texas.
Need more? Check out Mike’s previous legal advice.
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