MOSCOW, Texas (RPN) — Claiming he intended only to rid the U.S. of an “inexplicable historical embarrassment,” Russian president Vladimir Putin today took sovereign possession of this unincorporated community of 170 residents 90 miles north of Houston.
“Moscow, Texas. Comrades, have you ever hear of a worst oxymoron?” Putin said as he concluded the second stop of his cross-country tour of America. “You don’t need such a joke upon your land. You should thank me. Besides, you have seven others.”
Putin was correct. There are also cities named Moscow in Pennsylvania, Kansas, Arkansas, Tennessee, Ohio, Iowa and Idaho. “Note there are none in California, Vermont or Massachusetts,” Putin said. “Can’t say I’m surprised.”
Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference in front of Moscow’s lone structure, a phone booth with its phone and door missing, the Russian said he would offer the town’s residents dual citizenship or relocation expenses “to another place with a more respectable name, like Greenville. They’d have their choice of 37.”
Putin evidently knows his American geography. According to the U.S. Postal Service, there are indeed 37 places in America named Greenville, including one in Nevada, where “nothing is green but what you throw at strippers!” Putin said, pausing before adding: “You like clever joke? It’s manly!”
A White House source said President Obama planned no reaction to Putin’s seizing of Moscow beyond “a few strong words. Did you see the vote down there in ’08 and ’12? Putin can have it. The whole state of Texas, for that matter. Oklahoma and Arkansas, too.” Like Texas, the two states also voted overwhelmingly for Mitt Romney in 2012.
Apprised of all this, Putin expressed puzzlement at the term “Red State,” used to describe conservative states. “Is not ‘red’ the color of communism?” he said.
“And not only that, no state is more crazy right-wing than Idaho and they have a Moscow, too,” Putin said. “Totally don’t get it. You know how many Washington’s we have in Motherland? Zero! Ноль! And never will be. Maybe an Obama some day,” he said with a wink. “I do believe we need to rename Chernobyl. That place has a serious image problem.”
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