ANDREWS AIR FORCE BASE, Md. (RPN) — Russian president Vladimir Putin touched down here today aboard the Russian presidential jet, announcing to a startled press corps and military guard that he was beginning a previously unscheduled tour of the United States.
Landing just seconds ahead of President Obama, who was returning from D-Day ceremonies on Air Force One, Putin emerged from the sleek Ilyushin Il-96 aircraft with a beaming smile and a greeting for “my American friends, sea to shining sea!”
He then sang, in English and without notes, the rest of “America The Beautiful,” stumbling only on “the fruited plain.” He later explained that he had no idea what that was, but hoped to learn in the days ahead.
With his good friend Edward Snowden at his side, Putin, who recently proclaimed himself Supreme Ruler for Life of the Russian Federation and as Many Countries as I Can Annex or Otherwise Grab, said his first stop would be the National Security Agency.
“Who better to bring me around than my dear friend Eddy?” Putin said. “I understand he knows the inside of that place very, very well.”
Obama left Air Force One and strobe purposefully to Marine One for the short helicopter trip to the White House without acknowledging the Russian leader or the Ilyushin crew, which was unloading the official state Siberian Tiger, “Barack,” who also will accompany Putin in his travels across America.
White House sources, however, confirmed that the president was deeply embarrassed by the Russian jet penetrating American air space without permission, an action they called “a dangerous prank. Worse, even, than him naming the tiger what they did.”
According to Pentagon sources, the Russian jet began tailing Air Force One shortly after it left France. Despite repeated warnings to back off, these sources said, the jet stayed in close proximity as the leaders crossed the Atlantic. When the Russian pilot did not respond to radio contact, the State Department reached out to the Kremlin, where high-ranking officials said they had no idea what Putin was doing.
“We learned about the Ukraine invasion on CNN, what do you expect?” one official reportedly told his American counterpart. “You know how that Vlady is.”
Left with just two options — allow Putin to fly on or shoot him down — Obama decided not to intervene.
“Like you’d want to be the one to pull the trigger ending the world?” a source told RPN. “Obama had no choice, and Putin knew it.”
Adding insult to injury, reporters travelling with Obama said, was the last leg of the journey in which the Ilyushin pulled even with Air Force One and Putin was seen high-fiving through a window. The Russian jet then abruptly accelerated, beating Obama to Andrews.
Details of Putin’s American tour remained secretive today. All the Russian leader would disclose, beyond the NSA visit, was that he would wrap things up in Las Vegas, where he intendeds to debut his magic act.
“Who knows,” the Russian president said with a wink, “maybe I make White House disappear! Or Texas.”
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