Horror-Scopes – June 2014

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aries
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19
On June 22, while on the game show Bowling For Dollars, you roll two gutter balls and get your head stuck in the ball return. You are booed off the lanes as your mortified family slinks out the back door.

taurus
Taurus Apr 20 – May 20
Toward the end of the month while on a tour of a nearby farm, you get your arm caught in a threshing machine. You don’t need me to tell you you’re lucky to be reading this.

gemini
Gemini May 21 – June 20
The duality of your astrological sign is most evident on June 25, when you tell your husband you love and hate him. Oh, wait. That’s because you’re a woman not a Gemini. Gemini’s should not order ice cream today (man or woman).

cancer
Cancer June 21 – July 22
The name of your astrological sign is also the leading cause of death in the world. But your astrological symbol is “69.” So there’s that.

leo
Leo July 23 – Aug 22
June 14th marks the one year anniversary of you being marooned on a desert island. Hope is seemingly lost until a bottle washes ashore. Your spirits soar as you uncork it to examine the contents. It’s a bill.

virgo
Virgo Aug 23 – Sept 22
Through a strange confluence of events on June 2, you wind up at a urinal next to Vladimir Putin in a washroom at a Washington Denny’s. You do the head nod and he offers to shake your hand. You decline, thinking, “This man is a threat to both my liberty AND my personal hygiene.”

libra
Libra Sept 23 – Oct 22
On the night of June 11th you have a dream you’re eating at a state dinner in the Reagan White House. You ask the president if he’d like some more butter for his hair. Nancy pokes you with her fondue fork and asks, “Who let the democrat in?”

scorpio
Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21
Does it bother you that your astrological sign is represented by a disgusting, poisonous arachnid? It does me.

sagitarius
Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
Last month you told a Jehovah’s Witness to come back in a month. He’s back.

capricorn
Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19
On June 22nd you are the one-millionth customer at Pete’s Porn Palace. The prizes are great, but you could do without the televised celebration.

aquarius
Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18
On June 27th you‚re on Wheel of Fortune and the board looks like this:

I’m a _ummy

Totally stumped, you ask to buy a vowel.

pisces
Pisces Feb 19 – March 20
You’re in prison and are being visited by your lawyer. For reasons unstated he wants to make it a conjugal visit. Guard!

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