NEW YORK (NY) — It’s no secret that as Fox News saturates its airtime with the Benghazi Scandal its ratings continue to plummet. As of May, their viewership is officially down 27% year over year, sending the network’s army of intellectuals into a frenzy as all hands attempt to stop the bleeding. They’ve become so desperate, in fact, that they’ve even begun brainstorming the idea of adding real, actual, true facts to their reporting.
“Really, the thought never occurred to us,” explained Senior Executive Oba Mahater. “I mean, you cannot begin to understand how much more difficult the process becomes. Up til now, we never thought to check up on the experts…I mean, they’re experts, right?”
Perhaps. But that sentiment hasn’t stopped the network from pulling out all the stops, even going so far as to spend whole minutes, sometimes even an entire hour researching topics.
“We’ve actually started using one of those fancy search engine things the kids are always talking about,” stated Brent Duckbutter, Youth-Expert and ten year veteran of the network. “I think it’s called ‘Bang’.” [Assistant whispers in his ear] “Nope, sorry, I meant ‘Beeng’. Yeah, so they type stuff into The Beeng, and it gives them answers, I think, something like that.”
Some, however, including the aforementioned Ms. Mahater, remain skeptical. “Really, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I’ve never really thought of things like statistics as being concrete. They’re just numbers, in the end. The accouterments to the story, if you will.” [Sadly, she was summarily terminated for using a French turn of phrase. Which in the Fox News family means she was, quite literally, terminated]
But is the network turning over a new leaf? “Well, we’re gonna try this out for a bit and see,” Mr. Duckbutter began. “In the end, it’s all gonna come down to one thing: are our viewers angry enough?”
Only time will tell, but several questions remain: Can Fox News successfully make this transition? Are facts really that important when reporting the news?
And most importantly, why isn’t Fox News using Google?
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